Loneliness

It is important to keep in mind that some people are born with social phobia, and are thus shy from birth. If it is a matter of genetics, there are new prescription medications that can cure this in a matter of days: neurontin, topamax, or many medications in the serotonin/antidepressant family.

For everybody else that is not born with social phobia, loneliness is a learned or chosen path of life. The scriptures indicate “he who wants friends must show himself friendly.” It will take work for these people to learn how to connect in safe relationships. Most people who are lonely have been hurt in early childhood or re-experienced the hurtful acts in adulthood and are thus afraid of intimacy. The thoughts are logical, according to their experience: “If my parents, who created me, did not love me as I am, then how are other people going to love me?” Although this is a logical conclusion, the truth of God is a step deeper, beyond their parents: “I knit you together in your mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139)

We read in the scriptures that perfect love casts out fear. Our job, then, is to learn how to access and welcome God’s perfect love. It is also important to acquire the skills necessary to learn how to transform, and allow God to transform, our imperfect love into His perfect love towards ourselves, others, and towards God.

NOTE: Pastors are often lonely in the middle of a large congregation because it is sometimes difficult to cultivate friendships within the church. It is recommended that pastors find close friends either within or outside the church with whom they can openly discuss their faults and concerns.

• It is important to refer your counselee if he or she is growing increasingly hopeless, suicidal, or depressed, isolating from all meaningful relationships.
• It is important to consider referral if you sense that your counselee is growing more and more dependent upon you to fill his or her friendship vacuum.
• Refer if you begin to encourage dependence upon you as the answer to the counselee’s longing for friendship.